I cleaned out my closet and drawers last weekend. It was liberating. And it really made me think about what I've been doing to myself lately.
You see, I work from home. Translation? I wear a lot of leggings and comfy clothes. But I felt like I shouldn't wear them so much or I should have options for days when I wanted to not wear said leggings (like that will ever happen). I also love buffalo plaid and grays and blacks and flannels and sweaters. Seriously, give me all of the flannels.
But over the past few months, when I've gone shopping (which is really just internet shopping because I don't want to take off my leggings), I've tried to break out of my mold.
I don't know why. I just felt maybe I shouldn't buy so much gray or so many flannels. Or that I should have nice shirts in case Mr. T and I go out. Or that I should just get out of my comfort zone a little.
I ended up with a few different categories -
- comfy clothes for sitting around the house
- pajamas for sleeping and sometimes being comfy
- shirts, leggings, and other comfies for working
- nice shirts, dresses, etc. for going out.
But I ended up never having anything to wear.
I'd wear my faves and then when everything was dirty I'd sit in front of my closet and pick it apart. I'd say things like "I'd wear this shirt, but I don't have plain legging" or "that shirt is too short with leggings" or "that shirt is only for going out". And then, when Mr. T and I would go out, I'd veto everything because it wasn't my style or I didn't feel like wearing it.
Yes, I know that sounds so spoiled, but hear me out, OK?
The problem was that I was buying all of these things because I felt like I should. I wasn't being honest with myself about who I am. Because I shouldn't be that way.
I shouldn't wear leggings everyday. I shouldn't just wear a flannel when we go out. I should wear a color that's not gray.
I have no idea why. I think I just had this image in my mind of who I should be. An image that I had carefully curated. An image that I thought was better than who I actually am. And it was disguised so carefully. Because I convinced myself it was for my own good. You know, be a better person or whatever.
The truth is, my whole life is a list of shoulds and shouldn'ts and it was showing through my closet.
I shouldn't have that whole pint of ice cream.
I should buy more white shirts. And pink shirts. And blue shirts.
I shouldn't buy anymore gray and black.
I shouldn't shave my head.
I should workout more.
I should pay off all of my credit cards.
But that's the complicated and exhausting things about shoulds and shouldn'ts - there's a never ending list. Because they're really basically things we make up in our own mind. And there's always something you should or shouldn't do.
So when you're faced with a decisions it's super easy to over complicate it and feel guilty because you just want to eat the damn ice cream already. And you just really want to buy that damn gray shirt even though you have 994 gray shirts. This one is totally different.
So what you end up with is some moldy fruit in your fridge because you made the "sensible" choice. And a huge donate pile because you made the "sensible" choice. Or a whole lot of guilt because you made the "wrong" choice.
It's exhausting. Like, I'm exhausted just writing about it.
What I'm realizing though is that shoulds and shouldn'ts are a waste of time. Because I'm not sure if there's anything we should or shouldn't do. Other than, you know, like, murder or whatever.
But, seriously, shoulds and shouldn'ts suck. They're the devil. And they can go to straight to hell. Because all they do is make you feel bad about yourself. All they do is make you convince yourself that you need to make changes where you really don't.
So I purged. I hung up my "comfy" clothes so they'd look really nice on Monday morning. And then on Monday morning, I felt a sigh of relief when I looked at my closet. And I just grabbed what felt nice at that moment.