I'm going to be honest and get right to the point - I don't think I'm good enough. For anything. For anyone. For this live I've been living.
I know that might seem super scary and alarming. But I just needed to let it out.
And I honestly think I've always felt this way.
I think I covered it up well. Because there was always something going on in my life that made me feel like a cool kid. I was in college. I was moving to Chicago and starting a career. I was living in NYC. I was getting married.
But now that life is, well, just regular old life and I don't have those things I've had to take a really hard look at myself.
I have all these theories about where it comes from.
I know a lot of it comes from my father. He's never thought I was a good enough daughter or human. Even when I was doing something really amazing, like graduating college, he still found a way to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit. You can read more about that here. And maybe I'll really talk about it some day.
And a lot of it comes from other personal relationships. Because, honestly, until I married Mr. T I never really felt that kind of love from anyone that wasn't blood related to me.
But, if I'm really honest, this feeling comes from ME.
If you listened to the way I spoke to myself each day you'd think I was in some sort of abusive relationship with myself.
And it's true, I am. And I know that’s the real issue here.
If I make even the slightest mistake, I feel stupid.
I'm also terrified of making mistakes so I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself to be perfect. And then when I'm not perfect, I remind myself that I should have done better.
I think I have to be everything to everyone at every second of the day. And not only is that impossible, but I never even think about what I am to myself.
I constantly compare myself to everyone - I'm not as smart, as skinny, as hardworking, as successful.
I constantly think people are watching me and judging me.
I immediately thing every review on my shop, email, message, etc. is some horrible awful critique.
And I've been doing it for so long that I honestly don't even know who I am anymore.
But I really want to get better. I want to be better. Because somewhere inside me there's the girl who's confident and believes in herself. There's the girl who moved to Chicago and NYC without knowing anyone. The girl who quit her corporate job to pursue her dreams. The girl who believes she can and will do anything.
She’s there. I just have to find her again.