I haven't written in a while. I have no idea why. I mean, I know why, but the excuse seems silly - I don't have time. Which is ridiculous because time is stupid and we make time for what we want to make time for. I fully believe that and I tell Mr. T that every single time he says "I don't have time."
Yet here I sit. I don't have time.
The funny thing is, I have several posts that are just ready to go. I don't even have to write to post on this blog. But here it sits.
I think it's hard for me to admit that I am struggling. With everything. It's hard for me to admit that I am scared. Of everything.
I am struggling you guys. And it feels really nice to admit that. It feels good to say it.
I am struggling with being a wife.
I am struggling with being a shop owner.
I am struggling to keep the house and make the meals.
I am struggling and it's making me lose every single thing that I have ever known and loved. Because it's making me feel like I don't even know myself anymore.
I want so badly to be put together. To be perfect. I want to run my shop and this blog. I want to be a sexy wife. I want to be a fun wife. I want to clean the house and make the meals. I want to be a good dog mom, daughter, sister, friend.
But that's the thing - I am pressuring myself so much to be everything for everyone else. To look like I have it all on the outside. That I don't even realize what I am doing to myself on the inside.
The simple fact is, I am not perfect. No one is. And the more we strive for perfection, the more we fail and the worse we feel. And all I am focusing on is what I think everyone else wants and thinks of me. It's paralyzing.
I want people to see my perfect house, shop, marriage - my perfect life. And I want to be perfect. I want to know all of the right things to do and say in every situation.
And THAT is why I am struggling. With life and this blog. Because it's exhausting. And when I write I can't hide from it.
I wish I could say that I have this brilliant method to stop struggling. But the fact is, I don't. I actually don't even believe there is one. I think we all will struggle a little bit and I think there are so many ways to stop it.
But what I do know is that it feels good to admit it. And I think saying it out loud (or I guess writing it here which is the same thing for me) will help me to feel better about it. Because sometimes admitting it is the best thing you can do.
So, I am struggling. And I am working it out.