I'll be honest, you guys. I don't fit in. Anywhere.
And I always thought that at the age of 37, it would get easier. But the truth is, it doesn't. And I'm not sure it ever will.
Don't get me wrong. I have my days. I love that I'm a weirdo. I make people laugh. I'm not afraid to say weird things or do weird things. And it makes me courageous. Being a weirdo is the very thing that's made me who I am and what I am.
But a lot of days, I just want to belong. I just want to meet someone like me.
I felt the most at home in NYC because I'm a weirdo. NYC is just totally different. Everyone comes from all different walks of life. And anything goes there. I never felt like a weirdo because there were lots of other people who didn't fit in (and, I mean, let's be honest there were lots of people weirder than me).
I'm not that weird. I guess. I don't even know if weird is the way to describe me. I just know that I've met very few people like me and sometimes it feels isolating.
And that could be the thing - maybe I just haven't met anyone like me. Maybe everyone feels weird. I have no idea.
I just know that some days I find myself screaming in my head that no one understands me and that I just wish there was some person that was like me so we could share in our weirdness together.
And as I was writing this post, I was reminded of a time when I was a kid. I remember going to Disney World and dancing in the rain. Everyone told me to stop - my mom, my dad, my brother, and my sister. I feel like maybe they were embarrassed or thought I should be. But I didn't care.
But at some point during my little rain dance, some random stranger came up to me and gave me a poncho. Because I looked like I was having fun. I stood out. But in a good way.
I've carried that moment with me all of these years. And at moments when my not fitting in (that's a correct phrase, right?) gets to me, I try to channel that girl who was dancing in the rain. Because That girl didn't care. That girl was herself.
Anyone can be like everyone else. That's easy. But it takes something to be different.